'In women's minds, there are two kinds of men: those they want to date and those they want to avoid,' says Manj.'The difference between the two isn't good looks, money or even a charming personality. She won't mind if you don't have a gym–toned body or if you've lost a bit of hair . I saw this happen in my divorce - my former wife and her friends forming an instant and highly organised support group of phone calls, nights out and positive comments on her Facebook page. I was miserable, broken, bitter and full of self-loathing. What I found especially hard to bear was the cloying loneliness. I emboldened myself with the notion that men who go looking for company on the web tend to be, like me, busy, time-poor careerists - pro-active, sensible and pragmatic realists, who haven't the time or inclination to wander aimlessly up and down the aisles of the love supermarket, searching for Mr or Mrs Right. I write down a description of a beautiful woman I have met recently: an antiques dealer and interior designer. From what I can recall of our first conversation, she is intelligent and thoughtful. Instead, it is what is in our deeper, conditioned thinking that will move us towards our future.
It filters how we see the world and what we attract into our lives.
Despite his best efforts, I find it really hard to visualise a similar scenario with my own ex's boyfriends.
What I do instead is work on the list of attributes I'd like to discover in my aforementioned antiques dealer/fantasy second wife.
In a quiet moment, I even run a short film of our first date in my head (a couple of glasses of Pinot Grigio made the movie really rush past in a blur of When Harry Met Sally-style wit and soft-focus romance) and guess what?
Friday afternoon in Fulham, West London, and I have a date!
Aware that first impressions are important, I have shaved, put on my blue, slim-cut suit and applied the merest dab of aftershave (don't want to over-do it).
I've also brought along my dog, Wilma, for company.(Must like dogs being an absolute given for me in any potential relationship.)We are meeting for coffee in this leafy, affluent part of London and I have the feeling that after a few false starts, flings and one-night stands, this could be the date that changes everything for me.This time, it's not someone that a friend has fixed me up with nor someone I've met at a party, but rather someone intelligent, age appropriate (I'm 52), also divorced and emotionally sympathetic. Simon Mills, right, is divorced and been struggling to find love. It's a well-worn cliche, but we had nothing in common. I uploaded my most handsome, recent-ish photo and dived in. Two lunches, two early evening drinks, two dinners.He turns to Manj Weerasekera, aka The Fresh Start Guy, a dating coach, to learn techniques to find - and keep - the next love of his life Calling on his own experiences as a divorced father of two who is in a happy new relationship, Manj helps wealthy people (and a few celebrities) to find their 'Mrs Right' the second, or even third, time around. Do I pour out my heart, weeping on his shoulder as I tell him the story of my own break-up? There was infidelity, pain, heartache and industrial levels of mutual disrespect. Even though I should have done it years before, moving out was protracted and painful. But after a couple of months, the intensity of dating began to consume me. Manj wants me to start by imagining my ideal woman. Key to my success with this ideal woman is - counter-intuitively - my perception of my former wife.Will he then recommend some sit-ups, a haircut and feed me a couple of smooth, opening gambits to employ when I am cruising the bars of the West End? Any chance of Fresh Start Guy passing on a witty chat-up line or two, then? I internalised my feelings or shouted them out loud at her. My ex got the house, the children and a settlement. This all sounds a bit 'Paul Mc Kenna' (the celebrity hypnotist recently admitted he created an Excel spreadsheet of his female acquaintances to find his new girlfriend), but I make a list. The theory is that a man's highly negative view of his ex-wife and the continued harbouring of those feelings of bitterness will mean his conversations about her will be filled with negativity and resentment.And it's not just about what I want, it's about Manj turning me into what a prospective second wife might want from me. [all good news for me] because it's confidence that is important, being the kind of person who seems as if he could look after a woman.'And he's right. 'Absolutely not,' says Manj, who charges up to £2,500 a month for his services, including 90 minutes of one-on-one coaching in his London office and unlimited phone and email access to his wisdom. I am the working father of two beautiful girls, aged 21 and 16. I was in a relationship with the girls' mother for 23 years and married to her for 21 years. She had lots of my stuff, seemed to have snaffled all our friends (men and women), but it was me who was left with all the baggage. After an initial burst of crocodile concern (consolatory pints of lager purchased, punches on the shoulder, 'Are you all right, mate? No dinner party invites popped up in my inbox, no one 'fixed me up'. I must also think about her typical emotional state, interests, beliefs and values. Studies at Princeton University have shown that we can hold only five to nine pieces of information consciously, or in our working memory.